So, first off, I quit smoking. That retarted counter thing at the top of the sidebar is just a small reminder of what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m fine right now as I rarely ever smoke on my weekends anyway (unless I’m at a bar or at friends houses with other smokers), but we’ll see how I do come the work week. I also havent had anything to drink in a couple days. I’m not planning on quitting drinking or anything, but I just needed some time to get my head straight. Clear out the system. The rest of this post is some personal shit I’ve been dealing with for the past month or so. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This picture pretty much describes how I feel about my life right now. Somewhat dead inside, a little bit invincible at times. But for the most part, completely fucking pissed off, just waiting for the moment when I get pushed too far, ready to beat the piss out of somebody.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I came to the realization lately that my friendship with certain people was under scrutiny. It wasn’t that the friendship was bad, or that other people dissaproved, but that I was projecting myself possibly innapropriately. And that made others irritated. I was not aware that it was apparent. And I’ve been thinking long and hard since then. I have first decided to fall back and away from that situation. Let it diffuse. I enjoy those friends company and would not wish to jepoardize it in any way, no matter of my personal feelings towards the situation (I’ve only done that once in my life, and that was done on pure liquid courage).

A large part of my problem comes from the fact that I am always a third/fifth wheel. Almost all the people I hang out with are couples. It’s getting old. Everybody always says not to worry about it, thats it’s not a big deal. It is to me. It’s getting close to a year since the xgf left without warning. Honestly, and I can’t believe I’m actually writing this, but I still think about her nearly every day. And I’m really not sure why. I know that no matter what I would not be getting back together with her, even if it was her idea. Which it’s not. We’ve never spoken since then, but I did have a drunken email session with her one night, which I did not remember until I checked my email the next day. She also emailed me once on my birthday, but I really had no idea what to say, so I chose to not say anything at all.

I don’t know. I’m not sure really where I’m going with this post. Half the time I’m doing ok, hanging out with friends, at work, but the rest of my time, I’m sitting at home on the computer or watching tv, just chillin’ with the dogs. Alone. And it is starting to SUCK. And the worst part is, while I do control it (really, I do), Alchohol is playing a big part in that time alone.

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