Someday in the near future, well, okay, the distant future, Space Travel shall be easy. And I of course, shall have my own vessel. So, when the day comes that I finally own my own spaceship, I realize that I shall also need a crew. A crew who matches my style. One that is loyal, badass, and can humor me. Intelligence is a plus as well. Oh, and we gotta have some drinkers in there as well. Who would you pick to staff it? As for me, well, I’ve got just the people in mind.

First off, for the pilot, I’d take Wash from Firefly/Serenity. Sure, he might be dead now, but hey, he’s also a fictional character. Anybody that can fly like that and deliver me lines like “I’m a leaf on the Wind” and “Oh God, oh God, we’re all going to die” in a calm, yet truthful tone, is most definately my guy to fly.

For the Co-Pilot, I’d have to go with Data. You just can’t go wrong with that guy. I’d only have one rule for him. No fucking emotion chip. Take that fucker out of your fingernail or wherever you keep it, smash the shit out of it, and then melt it down with some thermite. We don’t need you flipping out and running us into a planet just because your captain (me, The Chad) is watching porn and you’ve just gotten your first ever hard on.

Engineer - Now, most people would probably go with Scotty or La Forge, but me, I’m gonna have to go with Tech Sergeant Chen/Fred Kwan from Galaxy Quest. Not only is he another guy that can tell me I’m about to die while remaining disturbingly calm, but he can bullshit his way through just about anything by putting other people on the spot. And I like that in a man I’m about to trust with the maintenance and repair of my ship. Oh, and as his backup, I’d go with Kaylee (also from Firefly) just because not only is she smart, but she’s really, really hot.

Commander (2nd in command) - hmmm….While I should go with Spock, as we all know I should, I’m once again gonna go with a member of the Serenity crew and go with Zoe. Why? Well, other than being a supreme being in the level of hotness, she is also someone that could fuck you up just because you glanced at her ass for .002 seconds. Of course, on my ship, her and Wash? Never even met before, at least not in my reality.

Now, as for the ships psychic (becouse we should all have our own psychic on board), I will, once again, go with a member of Firefly. River Tam. Let me repeat that. River “I kill fucking reavers for fun” Tam. Sure, once again, Spock might be a nice choice, but hey, how can you argue with another fine looking space chick? And for those of you that for some reason might be thinking of Counselor Troi….um…sorry, I’ll keep my staff under the age of 50.

As for the ships Robot (how can you not have a fucking robot on board?), I had to think long and hard about this one. Well, no, not really. I had my mind made up in 3 seconds who it was gonna be. Bender. Just for the shear fact that I know he will always be there when I need a drinking buddy, I pick Bender. I did make a small list of other robots, but the decision was never gonna change. Who else did I think of? Well, Hal 9000 of course, but since I’m not too familiar with that movie, I had to rule it out. I had also thought about Marvin from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, mainly because that dude is funny as hell. However, he’s also extremely depressing and might cause me to drink even more than I would will with Bender.

For the ships doctor, I’d definitely have to go with McCoy from Star Trek. If for nothing else, every time I try to tell him to do something other than treat phaser wounds and heal space syphilis from that Jayne got from bangin’ some space hooker from the Gamma quadrant, I’d get to hear Bones yell awesome lines like “God damnit Chad, I’m a doctor not a pig degreaser!” Oh yeah, it’d all be worth it just to hear that line.

Muscle - this is gonna be good. Hows about we go ahead and make my own private brut force, ay?Worf (Star Trek:TNG), Jayne (Firefly), Stitch (Lilo & Stitch), Johnny Rico (Starship Troopers), Korben Dallas (The Fifth Element), and just for the fuck of it, Sarah Connor (I make my own rules!….just so long as it’s the Linda Hamilton version).

Now, I was also trying to find a spot for Alan Rickmans character from Galaxy Quest, becouse anybody who sprouts the line “BY GRAPTHARS HAMMER, YOU SHALL BE AVANGED!” is certainly nobody to fuck with. So, since we also wanted him for the ships robot, why don’t we just kidnap Alan Rickman and keep on board for the fun of it. Besides, were in space, where the hell is he gonna go?

Private “Entertainment” - Seven of 9. Need I say more?

And so, there you go. There’s my Crew. Now I’m sure that people will think that I left someone out from some of their favorite Outer Space TV shows or Movies. Well, it’s my ship and I’ll pick who I want So, go out and pick your own crew…and let me know. I’m interested.Oh, I almost forgot - The red shirted expendable crew member on the away team. Hmmmm….lets go with….Jar Jar Binks. Yep, I know that he’d be annoying as all hell, but just the shear fact that I know everytime we go down to a new planet, his ass gets killed in some horrific yet awesome manner, I’d be soooo happy.

Categories: Movies, WTF?
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